To Ms. Loretta Jean

I wish someone could have prepared me for losing you. I wish it could have ended differently. I wish I soaked in the moments more. I wish I could hear your laugh one last time. I wish and I wish and I wish. But nothing will change the reality in front of us.

The only thing I can say instead is thank you. Thank you for being my biggest cheerleader, most committed supporter, and best friend. I took for granted the overwhelming and sometimes smothering love you had for me. It is only in a world without it and you, that I realize what a gift it was. That I recognize the impact that kind of love had on my life. It has been so hard to learn to live in a world without your particular unconditional love. There have been times I felt like I didn't have anyone in my corner. At least not the way you would have been. There have been times that I wonder if anyone will ever love me the way you did. There are times I wanted to stop loving anything at all for fear it would hurt even more to lose it than it felt to lose you.

I miss your humor. The wild things you would say in a restaurant to make my face turn red from embarrassment. The facial expressions you would make when you would say "What!? I'm just having a little fun." The spice you had for life and fun is unmatched in anyone I know or will ever know.

I miss arguing with you over whether you can have chocolate ice cream. That fake sad frown you use to make in hopes of swaying my decision. I wish I could go back and give you the dang ice cream every time. It was a simple joy and knowing how limited our time really was, leaves a bitter taste in my mouth for ever denying you of it.

I miss your dance moves. The way you seemed to be bouncing in your chair constantly doing "butt exercises." The way a good song made you bop your head and sway your pointer fingers in the air. If you were really feeling it your eyebrows would start going too in sync with your fingers. The moment anyone encouraged you, you would dance harder and give it all you had. Man you were a mess, but you were my mess.

I know these feelings aren't forever, but they are for right now. The intensity comes and goes. The one thing I have learned is to feel these feelings. Through it is the only way through it. This is my version of mourning and celebrating you at the same time. My certainty that we will see each other again can only soothe this ache so much.

But I would do it over and over and over to have the time I had with you. I would walk through the grief again if I had to because it means that I really love you. The amount of grief, the level of anxiety, the panic, the fear - it was because you meant something to me. Grief is the price of love. I see that now. I don't think I could fully comprehend the magnitude of love before losing you. I hadn't paid the ultimate price for it. So thank you for continuing to teach me and shape me even as you are gone. I never want there to be a day I forget your inappropriate jokes, your dancing fingers, or your deep love for chocolate.

I can't wait to see you again.

Love,

Your Brittany