One Day You Will

I have felt like I have been running a race that no one can see. I’ve been transitioning and transitioning. Changing constantly on the inside. Coming to wall after wall of decisions I now need to confront. It is like my entire mind shifted and the pathways that use to be there have to be created again from scratch. I don’t really understand it.

On the outside, my life looks great - perfect even. I have a house, a car, a job, and good friends and family. I’m not unhappy. I’m very grateful most days! I just feel so tired from this constant work. I don’t feel like I’m being told what’s happening.

I keep trying to figure out who and what I am in this season. What am I supposed to do? What is God trying to reveal to me? Am I close to the end? Is He happy with my progress?

The passage above, I wrote at the beginning of 2021. I had been on a journey of rediscovering Jesus and myself. At that point in time, I was exhausted, frustrated, and if I am being honest with myself, very disappointed. I could not see where I was headed at all and I felt completely out of control of my life.

I was on the potter's wheel and God was taking chunks of clay off of me and reshaping me. But the process left me very confused about what I was even supposed to be. Was I a vase? Was I a bowl? What about a cute little teacup?

All joking aside, I was ready to be done. All I had were questions. Question after question and no answers. Every day, every experience, every word. It just brought more questions. The biggest one being, "Is the potter getting close to stopping this dang wheel?"

A lot has changed since the beginning of 2021. I wish I could tell you every little detail about it, because this version of me is a miracle. The changes that have happened in my mind, body, and spirit are things only God could do.

I won't lie to you and say that the race has stopped. I can't tell you that the feelings I had have gone away completely. I still feel exhaustion, frustration, and disappointment. However, I can look back at the last year and trust that God was there. I can see how He showed up by providing me with a group of friends to love me unconditionally. They are constantly calling out the truth in me in ways I can't see myself. They speak life to my circumstances and let me believe it is ok to dream.

I can see how He has restored my family. The topic of religion used to tear my house apart. It caused vicious words and conflict in its wake. Most of which came from me and my refusal to believe in any of it. In the last year, I have solidified my relationship with Jesus, found a church that I love AND brought my family with me. We come together to worship Jesus as a family. If you had told me this 4 years ago, I would have called you a bold-faced liar.

The changes in my family don't stop on Sundays either. We are a team now. We identify problems and solve them together. If there is a conflict we don't run from it. We say I love you and you apologize when we are wrong. We challenge each other to walk in what God says about us too. We aren't perfect, but we are far from where we used to be.

What I am trying to tell you is I can see where we were going back then based on my present. I can see that God was freeing me and my loved ones from so many things as we move closer to the next chapter.

He was and still is restoring my family and unifying us so that we can walk into our destinies.

He is restoring how I view myself. Every day I start to see myself more like he sees me. I am understanding my worth and how much he loves me.

There is a verse in John that says, "Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” I can see what God was doing at the beginning of the year now. I can see the reasoning behind all the changes and hurdles.

But what happens when the wheel doesn't stop? What happens when you still have questions? Well I can only tell you what I am doing. I am holding onto the promise that one day I will understand.

I didn't get the blessing that I hoped for this year - one day I will understand. I didn't get that promotion - one day I will understand. My bills are getting tighter - one day I will understand. I haven't found my partner yet - one day I will understand.

I truly believe that God is going to show up for me. I have to believe that he can't lie. I hope you know this too reader. There are good things in store for us.

Love,

Britt