I have nothing to transact for...

The Lord has been showing me that I do not have to have anything of value to transact with him for his love and goodness. We have grown up in a transactional world. I put the effort into my school work, I get an A. I get good grades long enough and then I get into a good college. I get into a good college and I get a good job. I get a good job and then I buy all the things I want and I am happy.

Let me pile on our religious transactions on here too - You get baptized as a baby, go to church every Sunday of your life, you never say a bad word or think a mean thought, especially not to the man who just caught you off on the highway. You do everything your parents and authority tell you, you never have sex before you are married, you marry the first person you have a romantic interest in and live happily ever after and have babies right….

That’s the reality y’all have been living in right? No - oh good I was hoping it wasn’t just me….

I want to stop here and tell you - that most of these are great goals. But when we put them as indicators of our goodness and thus the goodness we deserve from God….we have gotten it all wrong.

And that is what I was doing. My transactional view of myself and the world started to extend to God. The more I thought about it the more realized that I had built a theology on transacting my obedience for God’s goodness. I had unintentionally built my faith on a foundation that said God was good when I was good. That he wouldn’t reward me until I had perfect character, perfect actions, and perfect words 100% of the time.

It was all about how well I could follow the rules. How successful I could be at my job. How kind I could be to my friends or family. I kept falling down this trap that somehow I could will myself into the promises the Lord had for me by earning them.

I made a beautiful gift of partnership with God about me and threw my accomplishment of “not sinning” back in the Lord's face while doing something equally as bad - defiling our relationship down to a checklist. I completely understand how people, myself included fall into this trap. In some ways, a checklist is easier than cultivating a real relationship. With the rules, it is a little more black and white. You know how to be “good.” Creating and maintaining relationships is HARD. It is honestly the hardest thing I have had to do in my entire life. Cultivating a relationship with the maker of Heaven and Earth who knows all things, that is both tangible and intangible is harder. It takes work. If you are finding that it is hard and you don’t know how to do it. That’s ok - we are all learning. We have never done this before so it is ok to ask questions and be confused.

However, step into the difficulty of building that relationship because what I have found is that rules without relationship is legalism.

In my opinion, legalism will always end poorly because it creates division. Let me paint a few scenarios for you:

1. You are making all the “right” choices and you feel really really good about yourself. But without a relationship with the Lord, that good feeling becomes pride as you remove the gratitude for what he is doing from your life and replace it with a belief that it was all you. It is also so easy for that good thing to turn into judgment for anyone not also making those choices.

2. Following the commandments can also be your worst enemy when your expectations for God’s goodness don’t look like your reality. What happens when you are so good and “hold up your end of the bargain” and the thing that God promised you is nowhere to be found? What does that leave you to believe about yourself or God?

3. What happens when you don’t live up to those rules because no one can - welp I accidentally gave that man a one-finger salute on the highway so now I’m not going to get my husband for another year. Or I’m not anointed enough to pray at church because I watched a movie I shouldn’t have last week.

Can you see how legalism might keep you from the true love of the Lord? How it can keep you from understanding partnering and intimacy with the Lord? How it might incite hopelessness and defeat? I know exactly how this felt because I was there with my broken heart asking the Lord what I did wrong or why I wasn’t good enough…

The more thought about it, I realized that I had been at this battle before.

I grew up in the church and walked away for about 6 years between high school and college. When I look back I don’t think I ever had a real relationship with the Lord. I just knew how to walk through the motions. I felt the weight of all the laws and rules. I felt all the guilt and shame and it eventually became too much. The thing I was missing even then was a genuine relationship with the Lord.

Here I am 10 years later falling for the same old trick. The same lie. The same ploy of the enemy. And because we are friends and it is just us here. I want you to hear this story with the understanding that I am still smack dap in the middle of this lesson myself. What I have gained in the last 10 years is a better understanding of God’s character. I have experienced his love. I have fought to remind myself daily that I am loved no matter what I say, do, or believe about myself and God. AND that he is committed to showing me how loved I am despite myself.

We are imperfect people with an unattainable goal of being perfect all the while completely negating the thing that could actually make us perfect in God’s eyes - Jesus. But I won’t do that this time. I am going to choose him and choose intimacy as the weapon to fight this battle with because I truly believe it will lead to victory.

I think the key to intimacy is trust. Trust is defined as a firm belief in the reliability, truth, and strength of someone or something. Trusting God has been one of the hardest things for me to do. When the world has shown you the only one you can trust is yourself, you believe them. But you can choose to take small steps toward trust and that is all God wants. Here are just a few that have helped me:

1. Be honest & transparent & admit when you are wrong

When I do something that I feel disappoints God - the first thing I want to do is run. I don’t want to go to him because I think it is going to make my guilt worse. But in a shocking discovery running to him is exactly what he wants me to do. That he is content with my current level of sanctification because he can see all the ways I will grow in the future. That there is no mark on my record and that he wants to comfort me. He removes the cloak of guilt from my back as he reminds me that the transaction is already finished.

2 - Trust God with your pain

Some of the most comforting moments I have had with the Lord are when I have been honest and told him that I don’t like what’s happening or the season I am in. They are when I have been transparent that I feel destroyed. I have asked hard questions like “Is this what you call protection?” He has asked me equally hard questions like “Do you trust me?”

Isaiah 61: 3 states:

"...and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."

Notice that the Bible used words like mourning, despair, and ashes. These are not just words that depict sadness, no this is life-altering - all-consuming pain. And the verse also promises that the Lord will meet you there and transact it for beauty. Let Him define the beauty in your life.

3. Honor your commitments

Be obedient with the goal of growing your relationship - not of getting some “blessing” out of it. I have found that the rules are in place for protection, not for a transaction. Being obedient is also where I find rest. I am usually running around trying to find answers that God has. And if he hasn’t revealed them to me then they are not my responsibility.

4. When in doubt talk to him

My friend Rachel Barentine showed me 2-way journaling which has really stuck with me. Put yourself in a position for him to meet you. The Lord isn’t asking you to give it all at once. Start with just talking to him. In the car, in service, before someone asks you a question. Just engage with the Holy Spirit and it will build your relationship.

Psalms 9:10

Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you

I hope this helps and lets you know you aren't alone! We are all in the process!

Love,

Britt