Finding a Home

I had never felt at home at a church. In fact, there was a point in my life where all that I felt was an overwhelming and soul-crushing weight of shame, guilt, and despair every time I walked into a church.

Those smiling ladies standing by the door with their shirts reading “greeter” seemed so happy and joyous, while I felt the exact opposite as I said “good morning” back to them.

In many ways, they were a physical reminder that I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t filled with joy. I was an outsider. I was a fraud.

At that stage in my life, I had no clue what it looked like to be in a relationship with Jesus. It seemed like I could never see, hear or feel him the same way everyone around me could.

I remember one night specifically standing at an altar and praying for God to take away my free will because I was so worried I was going to hell. I never felt like I could choose him myself.

Spoiler alert, God didn’t take away my free will. In fact, he used my free will to expose himself to me because he is the ultimate strategist.

Eventually, my frustration and pain pushed me away from God, religion, or anything that had to do with either. I actually argued with Christians saying…

“Well, why would your God put the Tree of Good & Evil in the Garden of Eden knowing you would fall?”

God is funny. The very thing that was my weapon against His word became what I built my faith on years later.

In the past, the Tree of Good & Evil seemed to prove that God just wanted to punish us. That He would place things in our lives as tests to trip us up and then be mad when we fell for it.

Now I know the Tree of Good & Evil is the physical representation of free will. It is a manifestation of the choice we are given. Adam and Eve’s story has been retold again and again because free will and choice were what God wanted for us so we could choose to love him and one another.

God will never take away your free will or choice, but he does allow us to reap what we sow. Following his rules aren’t a determinator for his love, but I do believe when you follow what he wants for you, your life is better and you are blessed.

Adam and Eve could have been living a life where they wanted for nothing, but because they distanced themselves from what God had for them, their life was harder.

Once I finally understood this concept, my relationship with religion and God changed. When I broke a “rule” or sinned, I began to see it for what it was...me getting in my own way of my blessings.

This revelation brought me closer to God, but it did not change the way I saw churches. I had seen churches divide, hate, and judge harsher than any other “worldly” organization. That was something I wanted nothing to do with.

I had given my life back to God but didn’t step foot in a church for 3 years. I’m actually incredibly grateful for that time in my life because I was able to really understand what I believed personally. There is SO much noise out there and it can be hard to find the truth under all the religion and traditions. For those 3 years, I was able to encounter God by myself while listening to worship music or by praying.

The way I see it, having a relationship with Jesus is the same as any other relationship. I had to get to know him personally before I started adding people and their opinions into the equation.

By the end of 2020, God had really placed a desire for community on my heart. I tried a few churches here and there. I even joined a virtual bible study from one of the churches, but it just didn’t feel right.

Then one day a close friend was telling me about the church her family had started going to. To be honest the thing that caught my attention about her story was that this church was in a barn that I use to drive by and look at all the time. Sounds like a movie right?

So I thought to myself “what do I have to lose” and went the next Sunday.

I arrived a little early and hesitantly walked across the gravel to the doors. I took a few steps into the building and as if on cue a smiling lady said “good morning” to me. Although this time I didn’t feel shame, guilt or dread. I felt a little sliver of home. And then another person said good morning to me, and another and then another.

Before I made it near the chairs more than 4 people had stopped me and talked to me. But that wasn’t what got me, but it was the first thing that showed me this place was different. This church’s focus on community was evident. The very word God had given me is a foundational pillar in this church, and I could see that in just about everything from how the chairs were arranged, to the message and words that were spoken, to the people.

I could feel it the moment I walked through the door. I am becoming more at home in that church than I ever felt possible. I am actually writing this story while tucked away in the far corner of the beautiful barn.

If you feel like you haven’t felt God, if you feel like you haven’t found a church, if you feel like you haven’t found a home, keep searching. I know He has good things for you.

The story I just told you spans 12 years long. I have been searching for A LONG TIME. There will be days, maybe even years that you give up, but don’t stay there.

I can see the truth now from the other side. God was always there. He always loved me. He was just writing a story I couldn’t see yet. He is still writing a story I can’t see.

Keep searching, reader. There is more that has yet to be seen.

Love,

Britt